Eat. Sleep. Music.

Ah, yacht rock. I love yacht rock. But what exactly is yacht rock? Well, for starters, this:

...is definitely yacht rock.

Yacht rock is many things. Is it music you can play on your yacht, while sipping on expensive mixed drinks? Absolutely, resoundingly yes. But is it also music you can put on while you make love with your girl? Definitely. Is it music you can put on at a pool party full of white people? In my experience, yes it is. Is it music you can crank loudly out of your cars' speakers, with the windows down, on a warm summer evening? If you're not embarassed, then yes it is. Yacht rock is all of these things and more. It's the equivalent of slowly sipping a cool, smooth gin and tonic on a warm California evening. Watching the sunset on the Pacific. With a puppy. That you've named "Loggins." But enough about what I name my dogs.

Yacht rock (which peaked in popularity in the late 70's/early 80's) was the response to all those hard rock and heavy metal bands the 1970's were so keen on spawning. Much like how the laid back, early 1970's California singer/songwriter country rock sound, was a direct response to the turbulent 1960's. By the end of the 70's everyone was exhausted, burned out and had a hangover. And when you've got a hangover, the last thing you want to do is listen to loud, hard and visceral rock music. You need something softer, something smoother. You need yacht rock.

But where do you start? One song:

Christopher Cross - Sailing

This song is the unmistakable, undisputable begining of yacht rock. Careful not to slip on all the sap oozing out of this song. This little number has it all: lyrics about the love between a man and his yacht, gentle drums, a hook that's far too easy to sing along with and a leisurely guitar lick.

Christopher Cross really managed to knock this one out of the park, single handedly crafting an entire sub-genre of music. Too bad this was the best his career would get.

Sample lyrics: "Fantasy, it gets the best of me/ When I'm sailing/ All caught up in the reverie/ Every word is a symphony/ Won't you believe me."

Toto - Africa

Let's move away from the sailing references for a bit and talk about continents, shall we? Specifically, the continent of Africa, which Toto immortalized in their song of the same name.

Let's face it, nobody cares about Africa (unfortunately it's true, just take a look). Toto tried to get people to care about Africa. But even now, over 30 years after this song was released, people STILL don't care about Africa! Listen, if a song this unconditionally smooth and universally catchy can't get people to care about an entire friggen' continent I don't think anything will. And that just sucks. But kudos to you Toto, thanks to you I know where Africa is. I believe it's next to Greenland, but admittedly, my geography may be a bit off.

Sample lyrics: "The wild dogs cry out in the night/ As they grow restless, longing for some solitary company/ I know that I must do what's right/ Sure as Kilamanjaro rises like a leopardess above the Serengeti/ I seek to cure what's deep inside/ Frightened of this thing that I've become."

Chris De Burgh - The Lady In Red

To put it simply, if you sing this song at karaoke, you will get laid that night. It's a simple equation really: The Lady In Red + Karaoke = Gettin' laid. You don't even have to sing the song good. It does all the work for you. I've known people who've sung this and, by the end of the night, they have a harem of women hanging off them. A freakin' harem. God bless yacht rock.

Sample lyrics: "I've never seen you looking so goregous as you did tonight/ I've never seen you shine so bright/ You were amazing/ I've never seen so many people want to be there by your side/ And when you turned to me and smiled/ You took my breath away/ I have never had such a feeling/ Such a feeling of complete and utter love/ As I do tonight/ Lady in Red."

Gerry Rafferty - Baker Street

The sax in this song could make a stone cry. Although that might not be scientifically possible, it actually is. They did some tests in Germany once or something, and they discovered that the sax in this song was the only thing that could squeeze a tear out of a rock. I don't remember who did the test or whatever, but I definitely remember reading the results of the test in some sort of science journal. I know, I find it just as hard to believe as you do. But that's the fact, Jack.

Sample lyrics: Saxophone solo.

Hall and Oates - Sara Smile

Daryl Hall is the whitest looking man alive, but he has one of the most soulful black voices I've ever heard. And he puts it to good use on this song. Perfect love making music. And this is a good place to say that, if you haven't heard the other stuff in Hall and Oates discography - just do yourself a huge favor and go listen to it.

As a side note, how many girls' legs do you think John Oates' mustache has been between. I'm not looking for an exact estimate, just a ball park figure. I'd have to wager somewhere in the 250 range.

Sample lyrics: "Baby hair, with a woman's eyes/ I can feel you watching in the night/ All alone with me, I'm waiting for the sunlight/ When I feel cold, you warm me/ And when I feel I can't go on, you come and hold me/ It's you and me forever/ Sara smile."

The Beach Boys - Kokomo

Not even the Beach Boys escaped the 80s without making a yacht rock song (and even a few yacht rock albums, but I don't reccomend them). This little ditty was the last good thing the Beach Boys ever did. And people will argue with you as to whether this song actually constitutes as "good."

This song is as if someone took a Jimmy Buffett tune, subracted the guitar, then added a saxophone and Beach Boys harmonies. And is there actually a Kokomo, Florida? And if so, was it there before or after the song was released? And furthermore, does this song play 24/7 there? I would be dissapointed if it didn't.

Sample lyrics: "Off the Florida keys/ There's a place called Kokomo/ That's where you wanna go, to get away from it all/ Bodies in the sand/ Tropical drink melting in your hand/ We'll be falling in love to the rythym of a steel drum band."

Billy Ocean - Carribean Queen

Just take a look at the sample lyrics and tell me that that's never happened to you? Oh it hasn't? Well it's never happened to me either. But I would imagine it happened to yacht rockers all the time in the early 80's.

And also, Billy Ocean had one of the best black man mustaches ever. This man could get himself laid with that mustache alone. Never mind the fact that he had the swagger and the musical chops to back up that sweet 'stache. I have zero doubt in my mind that this song was based on an actual first hand experience he had.

Sample lyrics: "She dashed by me in painted on jeans/ And all heads turned 'cause she was the cream/ In the blink of an eye I knew her number and her name/ She said I was the tiger she wanted to tame/ I was in search of a good time/ Just runnin' my game/ Love was the furthest from my mind."

Ambrosia - Biggest Part of Me

How do you tell your woman how important she is to you? Well, you could mull it over in your head, and put together a string of two syllable words in some semi-retarded poem. Or you could play this song for your girl. Personally, I'd go with the latter, unless you get off on reading embarassing poetry.

And even though it sounds like Ambrosia broke into my heart and stole the lyrics out of it, let's not forget about the sublime sax solo this song has, or the angelic vocal harmonies or the so-slick-I-just-slipped-and-broke-my-tail-bone production.

Note: Do not listen to this song when you're going through a break-up.

Sample lyrics: "Stay the night/ Need your lovin' here beside me/ Shine the light/ Need you close enough to guide me/ All my life/ I've been hopin' you would find me/ You're the biggest part of me."

The Doobie Brothers - What a Fool Believes

You can't talk about yacht rock without mentioning the Doobie Brothers. As their name implies, this is music to get baked to. On your yacht that is. From the sun.

This is another song about unrequited love. Sort of. It's more about the stupid, foolish things we believe (I get it!) when we're in love.

Aww. Poor, sad yacht rockers. Don't you realize you have the power? Through your powers of yacht rock, women are nothing more than puppets on the strings of your smoothly tuned guitars. Take advantage of that.

Remember guys, if there's a girl you like in your class or whatever, and you want to tell her how much you like her...write her a smooth, classy yacht rock tune and sing it to her on an acoustic guitar one day in class. Trust me it'll work. Believe me. Do it.

Sample lyrics: "As he rises to her apology/ Anybody else would surely know, he's watching her go/ But what a fool believes, he sees/ No wise man has the power to reason away/ What seems to be is always better than nothing/ And nothing at all..."

10cc - The Things We Do For Love

The things we do for love, am I right? This is actually a pretty clever song. It's got a nice bouncy beat and some catchy piano. 10cc were a bunch of guys that were unfairly labeled as a 'one hit wonder', when in fact, they made a few albums and songs worth hearing.

In bizarro world, these guys would have been as big as Pink Floyd. I'll go so far to say, 10cc is the yacht rocker's Pink Floyd. Listen to their song "I'm Not In Love" if you need further proof.

Sample lyrics: "Communication is the problem to the answer/ You've got her number and your hand is on the phone/ But the weather's turned and all the lines are down/ The things we do for love/ Like walking in the wind and the rain and the snow."

Player - Baby Come Back

It's a dream of mine to one day do this:

1.) Have a girl break up with me.
2.) Stand outside her house, with a stereo above my head playing this song as loud as it will go. John Cusack style.
3.) She hears this song, looks out her window, smiles shyly and then comes running down to meet me.

I'm fully aware that my dream was in a movie. But that's where I get most of my dreams - from movies. It's too hard to think up your own.

Sample lyrics: "All day long, wearing a mask of false bravado/ Trying to keep up the smile that hides a tear/ But as the sun goes down, I get that empty feeling again/ How I wish to God that you were here."

Chicago - If You Leave Me Now

We'll finish off this list with some Chicago. A yacht rock list without Chicago is like taking a trip to the Windy City itself, and not eating any Chicago style deep dish pizza. Man, all this talk about Chicago pizza and the band Chicago is getting me simultaneaously hungry and horny, respectively.

Not too much to say about this song. One of my favorite Chicago tunes. Chicago was a weird band, in the span of a decade they jumped between 3 or so different styles. This song was of course from their yacht rock phase. Arguably the high point.

Sample lyrics: "If you leave me now/ You'll take away the biggest part of me/ No baby please don't go/ If you leave me now/ You'll take away the very heart of me."

I believe every musical artist, and nearly every person on this planet, goes through a 'yacht rock' phase of life. All musicians get older and mellow out, just the same as most people do. Very few of us have the same energy we did as an 18 year old kid. Musicians can't always be the headbanger, and people can't always be 18. Yacht rock is the process of getting older.

Yacht rock isn't a bad thing. It's saying, "Hey, I made it in life. I have a fucking yacht! I'm going to relax and use it, and enjoy the things my hard work has bought me."

Yacht rock let's you indulge in yourself and the things you have. You've reached your yacht rock stage of life when you have a steady flow of income, a solid relationship with a significant other (and maybe a kid) and a nice house on a decent plot of land. Essentially, yacht rock is the American dream.

Yacht rock is the pinnacle of what the Pilgrims were trying to achieve when they landed on Plymouth Rock all those years ago.